The Nervus Rex

LOA

2008-07-15T22:00:00.001-06:00

Will be back soon... busy being sweet...

(Roaring evil laugh)

Wordle

2008-07-08T17:37:00.009-06:00

This meme comes to you thanks to my chum from anutha mom, CrazyCath across the ocean. Do drop by her site and say hi -- she is an amazing photographer as well as having a soft heart and a good cat lady starter kit happening.

Wordle "is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text
that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to
words that appear more frequently in the source text.
You can tweak your clouds with different fonts,
layouts, and color schemes.

The images you create with Wordle are yours to use
however you like. You can print them out, or save them
to the Wordle gallery to share with your friends."

Here is my Wordle, based on my Profile:

LOL. I appear to be a "Bearded Mother" and an "Attached Lop-Eared Single". Hehe.

Here is one generated from my foot care post. I like this one especially; it's busy like I am and describes me well:


It's fun to throw the text from different blog posts
in there and see what comes up.
Or you could just dump text in from your blog friends
and see what weirdoes they are (be like
Diane... shrink your friends!)

I did my pictures as screenshots, but Wordle has a
little link that you can paste into your blog from
any saved word clouds.

I'm tagging:

- Diane of StellarLife

- Carolyn of Laughing Alone in the Dark

- Shauna, aka The Insect Whisperer of
Bugs, Bikes, and Brains

- My BearNaked friend. Edit: Dingadangit I see you've
already got wordle posted on your site!! Missed you
by THAT MUCH!

Link back to me and let me know what you come up with!

Link to Wordle

Out out dang spots!!

2008-07-07T18:27:00.004-06:00

Thank you to everyone who sent hugs and advice. So what am I doing on my self-imposed days off?
Pulling up carpet from my hallway. It's about 15 years old and so stained underneath that the fibers have dissolved in places. The foam underlay crumbles when it's pulled.

No wonder I couldn't convince it to get clean!!!

YUCK

Life's a Beach...

2008-07-04T23:22:00.011-06:00

...and I'm caught in a Rip Current...

Nature is fickle, and she has a way of sweeping us off our proverbial feet. Take the rip current, for example. Far out to sea, strong winds and storm forces create ocean swells. These swells travel to land, and strike the coastline with powerful, breaking waves.

These breaking waves form the shoreline, creating an irregular sea floor with channels, holes, and varying sand formations. When angled waves meet these sand formations, the flow of water is diverted out to sea, in a swift and powerful rip current.

See example below. Note that I am smiling, and also skinny-dipping.

Playing on Life's Beach is Dangerous, and MS throws unpredictable waves and currents into the picture. Forget to pay attention for one moment and WHOOOOP! Swept away in a relapse.

When you notice you are moving away from the shore and making no progress when trying to swim in, then you have likely been caught in a rip current (Welcome to my Day!).

Fighting a Rip Current will cause distress, fatigue, and likely drowning. To get back to the beach, swim parallel to shore until you are out of the seaward current, then swim into shore. If you are having trouble, just relax and wave for help (hence me waving above... Need HELP!!).

Remember: Rip currents pull you out to sea, not underwater.

Hang tight... It all comes back around...

I'm not sure whether I am in a pseudo-relapse or a realapse right now. It's HOT, and I don't do hot well (although I am getting by with a little help from my friends!! See here.)

While swimming yesterday, my right leg cramped up and sent me running for the hot tub. Hot tub was sweeping me rapidly toward unconsciousness, so out I hobbled from there and limped my way to the cool showers. My right let continued the game, playing "Dancing Feet" all night last night. I couldn't sleep, felt all wrong, couldn't stop twitching and wiggling. Bladder kaput. Digestion a mess.

Today, I went to the funeral of one of my patients, and ended up out in the sun too long. On the way home, I told my right foot to move to the brake pedal for upcoming red light.

BETRAYED! My leg disobeyed, deciding instead to cramp firmly from thigh to toes. Lucky, lucky, lucky -- there were no cars going through the other way.

Heart pounding, I realized that I can handle the gas and brake with my left foot. It was a long drive home!

I am exhausted, and had to phone in and cancel tonight's shift at work. I think that the red light was some sort of cosmic sign.

Stop, Rest, Wave to some Friends, or Drown Trying too Hard!

Info on rip currents pinched from here.

Feeling Licked

2008-07-01T00:31:00.005-06:00

"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
- Jay Leno

It's HOT, I'm twitchy and exhausted, and my kids have gone away to their dad's for the month of July.

BUT, I am happy. Today was nice.
- I bought new shoes (Birkenstocks!!! ouch$$$) for work at the recommendation of colleagues. I have to replace my nursing shoes every 6 months or I get such cramps in my feet and legs. How often do others of you have to replace your work shoes? And what do you wear?

- I got my hair cut. Short. Ahhhhhhh

- I found a sale at the Children's Place and got each of the kids (4 of them!) 2 new pants and 3 shirts for school for $160. A head start!

- I had a lemonade and read more of the captivating "Judas Strain" at Starbucks.

- Ate green beans with chili and coconut rice for summer. YUMMMMY

How do you all manage to keep your body temperature down? I need suggestions for this heat!!

Like a bonsai tree...

2008-06-25T10:06:00.006-06:00

As a lover of all things haiku, the following caught my attention:

Like a Bonsai Tree
Your terrible posture at
My dinner table

Stolen from here. Click to read the brief but excellent blog article by Dr. Bookspan: "Is Your Drinking Hurting Your Neck?

Just one little thing that we can do to help avoid the neck pain that plagues more than a few of us! Or you can try this:

Happy Feet

2008-06-18T13:10:00.011-06:00

I want to tell you about one of my passions...

Yuppers, I like feet. Have always liked them. There's just something wonderful about a perfect pair of feet with all the little pinkies.

Then there's the not so perfect ones... But I can't help but care for them, too. How else to care for a person's soul (pun intended :) than to wash the feet that carry them through the troubles and joys of life?

I used to sit up late and do foot care for my dad while we watched the Irish Rovers on TV. Those are some of my best memories.

A couple of years ago, the unit where I was working offered a VON FootCare Advanced Training Course for the RN's. Only a handful of us were interested (surprisingly? LOL), but those of us who did had a blast practicing on each other.

Now that I work in End-of-Life Care, I'm finding this skill to be invaluable. My favorite part of care is when I'm able to get my kit out and spend an hour cleaning, massaging, cutting nails, and filing. I hear every story in the book while I'm working. I get a much bigger picture and assessment of my patients when they feel relaxed in a non-threatening therapeutic moment. It's a blessing for us both, and for the families as well. I get more thanks for this simple care than for all the challenging, mind-numbing skills and decisions that I perform each shift.

The picture below is not for the faint-of-heart. I didn't take it.
But, yes, I do cut nails like this, and often! Can you imagine walking on these feet? Or trying to pull up socks or blankets without snagging?!

These are the tools of my trade. I feel like part dentist, part woodsman :)

And here is the finished result:

HAH! Just kidding.

Any volunteers? I promise not to tickle!

Nurse.... or Boxer??

2008-06-14T10:23:00.002-06:00

Once again, time has managed to slip away from me and I have no clue where the last week has gone (I think I saw Time's tail peeking out from my laundry pile downstairs. My laundry is a hungry hungry beast and it eats everything in its path).

Speaking of hungry beasts and time slipping away, I know that at least 8 hours of time went into reading "The Ruins" by Scott Smith. Ugh. I don't do horror well, and now I'm deathly afraid of the hops vine that takes over my back deck each summer.

I had an incident at work last week that I refrained from posting on till I had time to work it over and recover a bit. Besides, I had already complained to high heaven about my bladder and I think that it's unfair to unload more than one major complaint per week here :) .

We got a new patient on the unit with end-stage cancer that had metastasized to everywhere... he was coming from home, where his wife was playing around with his meds "just a bit" to make him sleep (he was not a jolly green giant sort).

Any of us would have drifted happily off to the Celestial Discharge after the first dose of narcotics that she was administering...

Well, we got him onto our unit, on an evening shift, on a weekend. We gave him his meds on a schedule. His body wasn't used to that, and threw an all-out psychosis. Into other patients' rooms, mad as h-e-dubblehockeysticks. I got in his way. He punched me, then aimed for my face. I blocked, he grabbed my wrists and twisted. Dr was phoned, refused to certify, wanted to try a few sedatives first. Security guard came up, got pounded, nurse on nights got hit... pt finally went to sleep after the family came in and convinced him that this was not a "homosexual place" and that we weren't out to recruit him...

Long and short -- Dr. Oncall should have got his butt in to assess his pt. Let him face the wrath.

Our team of nurses was wonderful. I had awesome support and hugs and chocolate. I had to fill out an incident report for worker's comp if there ends up being damage (just 3 big bruises... hopefully no wrist nerve damage). My manager was amazing the next day and raised a royal pile of sh!+ for me.

But I tell you, after that night, if I could figure out any other way to pay off my student loans, I would not have gone back to nursing.

It's better now. I've had a few good shifts to remind me of why I love my job. The patients and families on our unit (end stage cancer symptom treatment, comfort care in death) are for the most part amazing and fascinating. It's such a privilege to help with this stage of life. And we do laugh a lot along with the tears.

So all in all, it's all good and I'll be fine. As long as the vine on my back deck doesn't eat me.

Dazed and Confused

2008-06-06T14:31:00.003-06:00

Oh Drat, and Bother, as my favorite silly ole' bear would say... I've entered the twilight zone of the mind on the heels of a bladder infection.

I remember during my "spells" last summer (when new symptoms would hit), that I kind of "lost my mind" (was it ever really mine?? :-) ) I would head out on errands, and forget where I was going, or lose my way on a familiar drive. I would wander drunkenly around stores, staring at the shelves in wonder and confusion. Sensory overload would hit me hard in the presence of more than one color, sound, or fellow human being.

I started only going on errands when I had my kids to be my "brains" for me. They all thought that it was hilarious. Uh, not so much.

I made the mistake this morning of going to Wal-Mart (my very least favorite store, for another post) to get some carpet shampoo (shouldn't have bought the darn carpet cleaner there in the first place... it's the only place I can get shampoo that works right which means that I actually have to go BACK! Argh). Anyhoo, to make a long story short too late, I left Wal-Mart 2 hours later, dazed and confused. I did eventually wander across the vacuum cleaners, and actually remembered to get my carpet shampoo.

I think that most everything else in the store went home with me, too...

It's an awful feeling, knowing that somewhere in the recent storage boxes of my mind, I have had a thought, but just can't find it. I wanted to just stand in the middle of the store and cry for my Mommy. I felt so lost, so overwhelmed, so drunk without the fun.

Is it just me, or do any of you have mind-less moments??

I would be more concerned if I wasn't getting a flare up of bowel, bladder, leg pain, breathing pain, and fatigue with this silly bladder infection. I would be worried about manic depression...

But it all fits. As much as MS fits any patterns.

Silly me. I was thinking to myself the other day "I'm so glad that my bladder has gotten better. No spasms, no accidents, no running to the bathroom all shift/all night." Then I realized (too late) that I was going 10 hours at a time with no bladder signals *at all*. And getting overflow. And getting lower back pain and fever.

It never rains but it pours!!

Sock it to me...

2008-06-03T10:54:00.002-06:00

It's Laundry Day... Always laundry day...

cartoon pinched from here

These boots were made for walkin...

2008-05-29T23:32:00.003-06:00

WOOT WOOT! I did the Supercities Walk to End MS!

MS ---> "One-a these days these boots are gonna walk all over YOU."

...if I can get my feet to move forward one at a time and without kicking each other over... and if I can get my hands uncramped... and when the dizziness lets up a bit... and once I warm up from a day in the drizzle...

My two oldest daughters (12 and 10) and my Mom and Dad walked with me. I was so proud of them all! None of them are crowd people, and this was a 2000 person show. We had a blast :) I think that we all look pretty darn happy up there ^^^

Check out my very pretty walking stick. Pincherry wood from the local market last year. I still can't handle the idea of a cane, but sometimes I just have to have something.

Wouldn't have made it without her!! She was my balance and my extra foot and an unending source of strength. I need a name for my stick. Any ideas???

We did a whole 5 kilometres (OK, Shauna, I need you to help me convert this for our Southern pals...) Would that be about 2 miles?? Mental block here.

These are my good buddies, Melanie and Patrick. They live in the same housing co-op as we do and they have done the walk for years now, raising tons of $$ each year. Love them. And they make most excellent wine. Of which, despite goofy grin above, I had not been partaking before said picture.

I walked because *I still can*, and even if I don't see changes in time to benefit me, it was a most excellent supportive day with friends and family and wonderful people. I walk, with Hope for MY KIDS.

But I's pooooped now.

Smrt like Wile E. Coyote

2008-05-26T23:01:00.002-06:00

Play hard... lose the ground beneath feet...

Will check in tomorrow!

Slo Lerner Kind of Day

2008-05-23T09:48:00.001-06:00

Ugh. Mental fry...

I Ain't Nuts!

2008-05-22T13:03:00.004-06:00

For my dear friend, Linda, at Brain Cheese, for her amazing sense of hope in the midst of temporary insanity...

All the best to you, Girl!!

Seven Dwarves of Menopause

2008-05-21T12:20:00.005-06:00

Hehehehehehehehe. I think that I work with all these fellows -- only they are female and wear Scrubs :)

Actually, I am getting hot flashes quite often these days and I'm wondering if I have entered the Wonder Years, myself. I'm (Shhhhhh!) 37 now and my own mom started with peri-menopause at my age.

My temperature fluctuates all over the place. It's never "normal" for the environment I'm in. Is this MS or Menopause?? Whatever it is, I despise it.

Of course, my moods are pleasant as can be. No mood swings here. Just an angel at your service!
(Uh huh)

Wish me and my family luck. I have 2 daughters with new hormones, an 8yo on the way there, and me with whatever the heck is going on... periods are bad enough without throwing curve balls in there! We are headed for the rapids in the river of life!

It's raining today and I am bored. And lazy. And tired. And I have to head in to work again in a couple of hours. Somebody kick me!

Dirt Diggin'

2008-05-20T00:59:00.002-06:00

I am lucky to be able to participate in a Co-operative Garden and today was a Work Bee day. We plant late here... most put in their gardens today after digging and fixing and working things up. I still have to think about what's going in ours this year.

I am sooooo burned -- a lovely farmer's burn with the lower half of my arms and the back of my neck pink as can be. Silly me. I knew I was forgetting *something*.

But I am happy because I tolerated the sun really well, even if I was out for only a couple of hours. Last summer I did NOT do well with heat.

I suppose all the rest of you gardeners are all planted already? Any suggestions?

Crazee Daze

2008-05-14T23:13:00.003-06:00

Ahhhh, Spring. The special time of year when the family's agendas head madly off in all directions.

This week in simple form:

12yo daughter: hormones, mood swings, voice lessons, biking, babysitting, swimming, Jordan Sparks at midnight, camping weekend with best friend, straight-iron lessons, make-up practice, phone calls phone calls phone calls, foot rubs, SHOPPING, the dog ate my bras again Mom, Gr.6 Provincial Achievement Tests, stomach aches, working on an ulcer...

10yo daughter: drama drama drama, back aches, guitar lessons, MayDay celebrations, bake choco chip cookies, read, read some more, avoid housework at all costs, homework, trip to the mountains with Auntie, boys are stupid, teachers are stupid, all the kids in my class are stupid, baseball games with Hugo, anything gross, if i ain't happy ain't nobody happy...

8yo daughter: bugs, mud, math homework, bike bike bike, but i'm not dirty!, barbeques, candles, shells, cuddles, can I sleep with you Mom?, the water hose, flowers, can we go shopping for stuffies?, hoola hoops, scooters, duck ponds, fruit by the truckload, awww, but they're my favwit pants -- why can't I wear them all week?

6yo son: 3 sisters to bug, one dog to tease, one cat to torment, water sprayer, chocolate handprints, ice cream, new bike, soccer, road hockey, flowers, watering Mom's plants (the more the merrier), bruises, cuts, 5 neighbour girls the same age to make tree forts with, freezies, big sisters cookies, hugs, Mom's wattle, food food food, wet kisses, stinky hands, warm heart...

I'm exhausted... and that doesn't even include any of MY agenda for the week!

Check out this site for more fun women's cartoons.

D-ficiency

2008-05-11T01:24:00.011-06:00

Quick test: What do the following conditions have in common: Osteoarthritis, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, heart disease, inflammatory bowel disease, gum disease, mental illness, and cancer?

Part of the Answer: Experts suspect that insufficient levels of Vitamin D raise your risk of getting these diseases.

Vitamin D is a steroid hormone which regulates cells all over the body, influencing insulin production, regulating immune function, and preventing inflammation and cancer.

Unfortunately, many of us are likely Vitamin D deficient. We are meant to produce Vitamin D via our skin as a result of sun exposure. Live in the North, like me, and those winter months don't exactly encourage Vitamin D production. You won't be seeing my bare booty soaking up the rays as the snow falls (Lucky for me, but more for you!) On top of that, when the summer sun does actually hit, we pile on the hats and sunscreen for protection. But according to Dr. Holick of the Boston University School of Medicine, sunblock as low as SPF 8 reduces the skin's vitamin D production by 95% !

The good news? For those of us with neuropathic pain related to MS -- Brand new research results have been published in March of '08 which point to Vitamin D as an effective "analgesic" in relieving diabetic neuropathic pain. As an end-stage palliative cancer nurse, I see every day how incredibly difficult it is to treat neuropathic pain. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be given the option of something as simple as Vitamin D to diminish burning, stinging, buzzing, numbness, and throbbing?

Of course, it won't be the drug companies funding any future research. No, Vitamin D is too inexpensive to be worth their time. Dang.

So what do we do?

The answers are D-cidedly easy.

1) Sun yourself! Spend 10-15 minutes outdoors without sunscreen at least twice per week.

2) Eat D-licious foods. Very few foods contain much Vitamin D. Rich foods include the following: Cod liver oil; oily fish such as salmon, sardines, and mackerel; eggs, and fortified milk, soy milk, and orange juice.

3) Take a daily supplement of cholecalciferol (Vitamin D3), which is the form naturally occurring in our bodies. The Canadian Cancer Society (June, 2007) recommends 1,000 IU of Vitamin D daily during the fall and winter months.

No one has done studies at this point in regards to how much Vitamin D is too much. However, toxicity is very rare. The U.S. Food and Nutrition Board sets the upper level for daily dietary intake at 2,000 IU. It's interesting to note that a "young, fair, and scantily clad person hanging out near the equator produces 20,000 IUs of Vitamin D in 10-15 minutes of peak sunshine". That's 100 times higher than the upper level set by the FNB! The Journal of Expert Opinion Pharmacotherapy in 2008 points out that in order to reach toxic levels of Vitamin D, which would cause organ damage due to high calcium levels, most adults would have to take well in excess of 10,000 IU/day for many months or even years.

I'm all for a supplement which has been proven in the medical field to prevent a host of diseases, and which is used in the treatment of many more. And I'm selfish enough to champion anything that will reduce pain and decrease functional impairment!

It's D-lightful news!

Top 10 list -- Carnival of MS Bloggers

2008-05-10T11:40:00.003-06:00

The Carnival of MS Bloggers is up! This week, Lisa has given us a list of "the 'Top 10' list of absolutely the most necessary tools and armor any MSer must have on this journey called Multiple Sclerosis".

I'm proud to have a part in this week's Carnival. Thanks, Lisa, for all the work you do with these!

I love Blogs... hehe

2008-05-09T21:50:00.003-06:00

Day Off

2008-05-08T12:37:00.001-06:00

More later when I finish my Nap...

InterGalactic Lisping Jedi Day!

2008-05-05T20:23:00.003-06:00

I can't believe that we forgot to Celebrate on Sunday!

So here's a Belated

"May the 4th Be With You"

Tis or Tain't?

2008-05-04T20:01:00.004-06:00

This has been a frustrating week and I'm guessing (hoping?) that some of you can relate and that I'm not too wayyyy out in LaLaLand. Probable MS... do I or don't I????

First, I had my yearly with my Primary Doctor. She did a very thorough exam and pointed out deficits/abnormals as she went. I'm OK with that. I knew what they were anyway. She reminded me to be careful on the stairs, advised cranberry juice to prevent UTI's due to bladder issues, agreed with my bowel routine to keep things moving along, renewed clonazepam for night-time leg spasms. She listened, advised, didn't make me feel crazy. She said "your MS may continue to give you problems with {insert countless weird symptoms here}" and instead of making me feel like a victim, she encouraged me to be proactive. I'm fine with not knowing for sure what is going on neurologically, as long as there she recognizes *something*.

Then, my 3-month follow-up with my Neurologist (which fell in the middle of one of my nastiest days at work, as fate would have it). Pompous a$$. 5 minutes, no eye contact, a barely minimal neuro exam that ONLY tested cranial nerves (I was a stroke nurse, *I* could have done this to me... and I don't have problems with my tongue deviating or my eyebrows raising evenly... how about testing my reflexes and balance??). I told him about falling down the stairs last month and my leg buckling at least once/wk leaving me catching myself or on the floor. He says "may be seizures or black-outs". What should I do for follow-up/safety? "Less stress". Hmm, I'm right on that, Doc.

Bladder problems: "You have four children, of course you will have bladder problems". Well what about the 5 years after last child/before bladder problems began?? I was once the queen of the Kegels before I became the queen of the numbum last fall. He said "you need to see a urologist/gyne and they will test you and teach you exercises. But I don't know any good ones to refer you to, so ask your primary doctor. Here is a prescription for Detropan in the meantime" (bladder infections, here we come!!!) He says "We don't know what is going on, but stress and depression can be very psychosomatic" (uhhhh, what if I am not depressed, and my greatest stress right now is dealing with two pre-teen daughters?? LOL -- sure that IS stressful, but it's very doable :)

He left me feeling a little insane, imaginative, and problematic. The joys of the Specialists -- if they can't immediately nail something, it's hard on their ego's and they will rather abandon it than wait and see. I don't want an immediate diagnosis. I don't want a bunch of prescriptions. I just want to be safe, and I just want to know that I'm not imagining myself into numbness, electric zaps, tripping, weak legs, and bowel incontinence.

I know that they see some really creative patients... but that is not me. I don't have time for that. And I wouldn't have picked elimination failure as my symptom of choice if I did!!

Rant, rant, rant. Maybe I *do* have something to prove...

To laugh often and much

2008-04-30T16:38:00.002-06:00

This post is for the sole purpose of moving the stool chart down the page and out of sight :) And it's a nice thought for a rainy spring day when I am blessed with the use of only one hand and half a back...

Have a good one!

The Scoop on Poop

2008-04-29T15:08:00.002-06:00

Nasty, hey? :) We had the Official Version of this chart posted in our Report Room on the Stroke Rehab Unit where I worked last year. Every morning, it stared me in the eye. We were encouraged to use the "types" in our documentation of patient's bowel movements so that we would have objective descriptions.

It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't talk about FOOD at the same time!

Good golly, I don't miss that unit.

So for all of you who keep daily diaries to show your neurologists/doctors, I proudly pass on the chart for your personal use :) Won't your docs be pleased?!

Cause I'm a W.O.M.A.N.

2008-04-21T11:30:00.002-06:00

Yup, that time of the month. Move directly to dark chocolate and do not pass GO. Put on your safety goggles or get out of the way!

Streakin' (for MS!)

2008-04-18T07:49:00.003-06:00

I'm going to have lots of explaining to do... I'm wearing a bright new color for MS.

It's kind of scary for me, actually. I can either tell people it's a mid-life crisis or actually explain that it's in support of the Walk to end MS. Some will know that I am struggling with neurological issues, others will be left to think that I am just a "participant". In for a inch, in for a mile!

It was a fun afternoon at the mall, though. Good to see old friends and make some new!

My kids are teasing me... we heard on the news a while back about how Montreal was having problems with rabies outbreaks in the wild animals of the city. The city would capture the wild animals, check them for rabies, and if they were clean, they would be spray painted with a pink stripe and released.

"I am officially rabies-free!"

Now the MS, on the other hand...

I guess, other than the hair, the limp from the 3-day muscle spasm (spasm seems like such a *gentle* way to describe this ) in my calf and foot might give it away... ouch. I have so much respect for those of you who have been dealing with MS joys for years...

But at least I'm still smiling!

Another silly nursing cartoon

2008-04-16T10:40:00.002-06:00

OK, I know that's not funny to anyone who doesn't spend their days assessing breath sounds and looking at hospital gowns and openings of all sorts :)

It's been a busy week at work. 3 patients on my team passed away, and one ended up with paralysis from spinal cord compression. I am caring for a wonderful lady who is the mother of one of my children's school-mates. She is very strong, but her diagnosis is horrible. It's hard some days to leave work at work. I really connect with the patients and families on the unit. Others drive me absolutely up the wall, lol. I am so glad to work with such a great team where we can laugh and cry together every shift...

It seems like I was the "go to nurse" for family emotional issues this week at work. I need to recharge my batteries...

Maybe it was the fact that I was operating left-handed due to a dead arm (nerve stuff)... I think that I appeared half-human to other people who know suffering.

At least what I see at work makes my life seem pretty darn cooshy!!

The Valley

2008-04-13T12:01:00.004-06:00

Our music therapist at work was singing this song to a palliative patient and his partner the other day. It's a beautiful song with wonderful words, and I wanted to share it. So here's to my Blogging Friends and to anyone else who just needs it! The song is "The Valley" by Jane Siberry (another one of our Great Canadians).

I live in the hills
You live in the valleys
And all that you know
Are these blackbirds

You rise every morning
Wondering what in the world
Will the world bring today
Will it bring you joy
Or will it take it away?
And every step you take is guided by
The love of the light on the land
And the blackbird's cry
You will walk in good company

The valley is dark
The burgeoning holding
The stillness obscured by the judging
You walk through the shadows
Uncertain and surely hurting
Deserted by the blackbirds
And the staccato of the staff
And though you trust the light
Towards which you wend your way
Sometimes you feel all that you wanted
Has been taken away
You will walk in good company

I love the best of you
You love the best of me
Though it is not always easy
Lovely? Lonely?
We will walk in good company

c. 1989 Wing-It Music

My Secret Super Hero

2008-04-10T23:57:00.004-06:00

Because she takes a lickin and keeps on tickin... And because *nobody* can beat those glasses!!

To our Garage Sale Queen and Secret Super Hero... Shauna at bugs, bikes, and brains gets the award of the day!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-08T22:41:00.002-06:00

I'll Show you Mine!

2008-04-08T18:37:00.003-06:00

Catz Mews has tagged me with the "I'll Show You Mine" meme where I have to take a screenshot of my desktop for you all... So here goes!

I love this duck Momma's crazy hair do -- she looks just like me on any given day ;-) And all those little ducklings riding along...

I am tagging:

Crazy Cath

bugs, bikes, and brains

Pass it on!

(Does meme actually have any meaning?? Anyone know?)

Bonafide Dog Lover

2008-04-05T20:10:00.004-06:00

DEAR GOD FROM THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?

And then comes the Fall...

2008-04-05T14:26:00.002-06:00

I am having a no-where kind of day. I want to be sad about this morning, but I want to ignore it even more.

I fell down the stairs. And I did it with Olympic skiier finesse.

How could I have been standing at the top, talking with the kids about the phone one second, with no intention in the world of actually *going down* the stairs... and then two seconds later be all akimbo at the bottom??

At least I didn't drop the phone. Nope, wouldn't want to harm the phone!

My left leg has been buckling a lot lately. I usually catch myself or grab onto something. And I know that I have been a little extra careful around stairs for the last few months because my depth perception is wonky and I get mixed up and swoon.

So my leg buckled, and of course, I went DOWN instead of backwards. And mistreated every joint in my body along the way.

My tail bone and elbows, and ankles are like screaming pixies. My neck has seized up and stubbornly refuses to obey right or left, up or down. And my left shoulder... gets worse by the hour in spite of a whack-load of anti-inflammatories. It's throbbing, and I can't move my arm backwards or up to my head. I've seen a lot of rotator cuff injuries in my time... and I'm scared.

And embarrassed. And feeling bodily-betrayed.

Have any of you dealt with stuff like this? Any advice?

Sorely,
Shawna

Know your A,B,C,D's

2008-04-03T22:13:00.014-06:00

Thanks to Linda at Brain Cheese, I am reminded that I will be booking my yearly mammogram when I go for my yearly check-up in a few weeks.

I can hardly wait...

Such cold, hard, squeezing, and they always like to get me to hold such strange positions to get just the right angle. I feel like an orange that has just met the semi-trailer tires.

Then to make matters worse, there is always the biopsy and draining of my "little mouse", a collection of cysts about 1-inch by 1-inch. I'll take a lumbar puncture any day over this, thank you very much. Especially after last year's over-zealous resident fought with the ultrasound technician as he poked and prodded and drained for *45 flippin minutes* while she gave him advice and heck and apologized and cried.

But seriously, I'm over it...

Now for the training run for this year's mammogram:
EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the inside of the refrigerator. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door with lots of pressure for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective. Insert the other breast and repeat the instructions.

EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged comfortably under the rear tire of the car. Ask your husband, boyfriend, or whoever is up at 3:00 in the morning to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as she can. Repeat for the other breast. Set an appoinment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared for a mammogram.

SERIOUSLY ! Mammograms do NOT hurt. These exercises are just to make you smile. If it's time for your mammogram, run, don't walk to your phone to schedule an appointment. It may be the most important phone call you have ever made.

Even if it's not October... It's *always* breast awareness month! They're kind of nice -- let's all do what we can to keep them!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-02T11:11:00.003-06:00

Nap Time. My 6yo son, Owain's, toes. The only time they're still!

"Orange you glad you don't have MS?"

2008-04-01T22:55:00.000-06:00

This post made me laugh my little RRRRse off:

Brain Cheese: An Unsuspecting "GUEST" Blogger...

Linda, thank you for the Smiles! I'll take a dozen of "them shirts"!!

'cause you got Personality!

2008-04-01T19:40:00.007-06:00

Meet my Sweetie. He's a burst of sunlight... an Orange personality all the way. Bouncy wouncy trouncy pouncy fun fun fun fun fun like Tigger. Problem-solver, resourceful, loving, light-hearted, and playful.

Me... I am, or was a year ago when I took the test at work, a blue-gold. I'm all about relationships and responsibility. I am becoming more orange, though... I am taking life much less seriously since having kids with incredible senses of humour, dating a big goofy bunny wabbit, and working on a Palliative Care Unit. My deepest needs and motivations are changing and focusing after dealing with new health challenges in the form of MS.

What are you? I'd love to know what makes you tick!
S

Growing Older is Mandatory; Growing Up is Optional

2008-03-29T17:56:00.003-06:00

Well, Happy Belated Birthday to me! I can't believe it's only 3 short years until I hit the big 4-0.

I was in shock yesterday that it was my birthday... denial maybe :) I didn't get to the mourning, negotiating, and accepting stages until today :)

I went and bought myself a new mattress set, firm, with the pillow top. I haven't been sleeping well and I am finding that I need a lot of sleep! It will be a GOOOOOOD birthday present. I can hardly wait...

Going out to supper now with the Big Guy, then to a movie about Superheroes. I need the laugh after having a birthday thrust upon me!!

Neurology

2008-03-27T18:28:00.004-06:00

It occurred to me today that I used to laugh at this when I was working on the Stroke Unit. I used to be the one doing neurovitals and reflex testing. Then one day, in an Neuro Assessment Education day, I was the "dummy" for the class. Boy, did I do well at playing the Dummy! :) LOL. I failed all the tests that I performed on my patients every day.

My Clinical Nurse Educator told me that I should see a Neurologist. He did an MRI and didn't find anything... hehe. Negative Spinal Tap (man, I wouldn't wish that test on anyone!) Based on clinical symptoms, relapses, reflexes and sensation loss, he gave me a "Probable MS" diagnosis after ruling out "everything else". We're in a holding pattern until something more definitive actually shows up on MRI.

In the meantime, I offer free Neuro Assessment for my friends :) OH! And I do Foot Care! Come on over!

Addictive Bean Curry

2008-03-25T12:50:00.001-06:00

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon oil
1 teaspoon mustard seeds
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
1 large onion, chopped
1 tablespoon grated/chopped ginger root
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 large (28 oz) can diced tomatoes
2 cans (19 oz each) kidney beans (or mixed beans or other beans)
1 teaspoon (or more!) curry paste
salt to taste

Directions:
Heat oil in large pot over medium heat and stir fry the mustard and cumin seeds until they pop. Add onion, ginger, and garlic and stir fry until lightly colored. Add tomatoes with juice, beans (drained and rinsed), and 1 tsp curry paste (to start!). Simmer for about 20 minutes or until thick and saucy. Keep adding curry paste to taste during the cooking. Salt to taste. This is easy, healthy, and really addictive! Serve with rice, pita, toast, chapattis, naan, straight from the pot....

Serves: 6

Top Hat Honors

2008-03-24T23:38:00.003-06:00

Created for Linda, who didn't get to choose her Monopoly Pieces...

Something you can use when you get "Ear Worms"!

Love you,
S

Invisible Blues

2008-03-24T19:52:00.002-06:00

Here I go, waddling down the mall...

CrazyCath left me a nice comment about working/taking care of self.

I am still, thankfully, able to work nearly full-time as a nurse. I don't accumulate sick days as quickly as I use them, but I am still functional enough to not be a detriment to my employer. I love my job and it's frustrating to wake up some mornings and just not be able to coax my body to get up.

It really bothers me how unpredictable the symptoms are. Have others of you found this?? Sometimes a particularly bothersome spasm will last for a couple of painful weeks, or I'll have on-going (pun intended!) bladder or bowel issues... But often, it's a new thing here and a new thing there with no rhyme or reason. Today, I stepped out of bed onto hot coals (or so I thought). The bottom of my left heel is burning, and it is like a hot steel rod up the bones of my ankle, around the front of my leg, inside my thigh, and like a Brazilian gone bad where we don't wanna go... It's constant, and it hurts like h3<<. I'm grumpy, and my big strong boyfriend doesn't understand. He is very practical, and can't see anything, so how can he understand how new pains and problems are very real??

I'd like to hear your stories of invisible symptoms and/or significant others.

E is for Excellence

2008-03-24T01:01:00.005-06:00

Linda was kind enough to award me with this! I'm paying it forward (and back a little, lol). Thanks, Linda!

The Rules: By accepting this Excellent Blog Award, you agree to award it to 10 more people whose blogs you find Excellent Award worthy. You can give it to as many people as you want but please award at least 10. You deserve this! Feel free to recognize blogs that have already received this award.

1. Brain Cheese
2. A Stellarlife
3. bugs, bikes, and brains
4. Merely Me's Multiple Synchronicities
5. Catz Mews
6. A Blessed Mess
7. Disabled Not Dead
8. Crazy Cath
9. Emergiblog
10. Rebirth

Edit: I'm adding a very worthwhile #11! Check out Mother of Shrek -- I could get happily lost there for DAYS!

Give them a BOO and see why I like them so much! And tell them how wonderful they are while you're there!

Have a great day :)

Why I love animals...

2008-03-23T01:16:00.003-06:00

Why can't I be so cute? This is my Annie last summer before she had her Stroke followed by Puppy Strangles. She's been through so much... a little dumber for the wear but happy as can be 9 months later.

She couldn't walk or even hold herself up to poop for 3 weeks... then had to have daily steroid injections for 4 months for the Puppy Strangles. All at the same time as I was beginning to realize that not all was well in my own brain... Annie came back just fine, and blesses us with endless kisses and trouble. No garbage can is safe! No underwear can hide! No nose is not a tongue receptacle!

I love her. She's my littlest inspiration.

My Japanese Name

2008-03-21T12:13:00.003-06:00

I was playing around with Kanji last year after my brother started using it to watermark his photos. I wanted to know what "Shawna" would be. He worked on it phonetically and it came out as meaning "cabbage" and "old lady". Nope, not so much, lol. I want a different trademark.

So I asked for symbols for "little bird" since I often use that as my handle. This is the result. Suzume, which is a little sparrow. It is singing on the roof of the house with it's wings spread. This is me. There is freedom in this name.

Another symbol I love is "crisis", which is literally "danger" and "opportunity" combined. I'll have to look it up and post it. I try to remember that even relapses come with danger opportunities.

S

Piggy-backing on my friends

2008-03-20T08:28:00.001-06:00

Thank you all for your comments on work-place disclosure! You make some good points and it's great to know what has worked for others.

My Dx is still in the "probable" stage, and I can cover up most symptoms except for the fatigue right now. I just don't want to be explaining in the middle of a relapse if it comes to that.

I believe and hope that my co-workers will be very understanding, seeing as we work in end-stage cancer care. I don't want to use MS as an "excuse", but they also know that I am a hard worker and watch their backs, too.

Anyway, thanks again, and it's great to make new friends!

Hold on a Gol-darn minute...

2008-03-18T08:13:00.005-06:00

When I see this, I think "MS Society, can you Walk for the Cure?"

I can turn my head part way left again! YAY! To the right, not so much yet.

How have others of you handled telling your employees about what's going on with you? I would love to give my supervisor a head's-up before summer hits, but at the same time, I might be able to sail through without a problem (I hope hope hope).

I'd love to hear what any of you have done with this dilemna! (the work thing, not the incontinence, LOL).

What a completely unrelated post! I'm a scatterbrain today...

Underneath it all...

2008-03-17T22:17:00.006-06:00

Yeeeeup, I made the mistake of going lingerie shopping today...
Thankfully, with the (seemingly long-term guest) crick in my neck, I couldn't see the back view for love nor money.

I choose my in-timates on a different scale these days. Gone are the lacy perky things and in are the "won't irritate or over-heat" soft and who the heck cares what it looks like anyways because I seem to have lost that drive I once had (nobody's fault but that dang monkey mentioned below).

How weird, to finally have found the love of my life, and have lost the zap that makes things go hmmmmmmm.

Monkey Business

2008-03-16T14:36:00.003-06:00

OK, who let the monkeys outta their cage to run wild in my nervous system?

We have some serious monkey business (complete with *crap* as seen in the picture) going on here today.

What a mess.

I KNEW that I was wayyyy past exhausted yesterday... went in to work anyway. I had Dropsies and had to keep wasting meds. Boosting patients was fun with spasming/weak muscles in my back, neck, arms, and hands. No sleep due to a new spasm in my neck that hasn't gone away. Bladder's completely out to lunch today. And a weird little twitch in my upper lip that is going to drive me to distraction!!!

Send me lots of T.P. to clean up the mess I'm going to make of myself by fulfilling my nursing duties tonight again. I have no more sick days at the moment... so I don't have the luxury of taking the evening off :-(

Now I know what it really means to have a monkey on my back!

Nursing Humour Alert

2008-03-14T08:50:00.006-06:00

OK, OK, you were warned. And we really *are* smarter than this fine specimen :)

All the same, it's my 10yo daughter's favourite cartoon at the moment... so if it made you laugh, you're either as Smart as a 5th Grader... or a Nurse... or just Wicked ;-)

Just look at all the breaches of Universal Precautions -- EWW. And what are they infusing into this poor guy -- Bile?

So, if you are having a bad morning... just be thankful that you aren't strapped down and missing any jewels today!

A wee bit sensitive, are we??

2008-03-13T17:07:00.013-06:00

Claude Oscar Monet, 1840-1926

Irises (L), & Water Lilies (R)

Monet -- makes me feel so peaceful -- I guess that I just needed some visuals today. I may be a very visual person, I think. I need colors, I need to live through pictures. Maybe I'm just sensual (or is it sensuous?) Hehe. How things make me feel matters. The texture of clothes, scents, sounds... can drive me up the wall in distraction or ease me into contentment. Sensitive, yeah, a bit touched maybe ;-) .

So now, with Neurological issues, nearly anything can set me off. Literally "fry my brain", lol. Hyper-reflexive -- don't touch my foot or I'll kick you in the nose! Drop an ice cube down my shorts and I'll scream in pain from the burning. Slam the door and peel me off the ceiling. Drive past police car strobe lights and I'll have an instant migraine.

It's so odd to be so freakishly sensitive, and half the time not be able to feel parts of me at all. I started to get my upper lip waxed (shhhhhh) a few months ago, and every time, I wind up not able to feel my nose or lip for a week. And what happened to my "saddle region"?! Where did those little nuggets of "I neeed it" go? Or my feet -- why can I walk around with a popcorn kernel stuck to the bottom of my foot for gosh knows how long without feeling it there?!

I have heard that Monet painted the above pictures after he developed cataracts. He saw everything with a red over-tone for many years, as is typical for cataract sufferers. They are still beautiful paintings, even when I have double vision and blind spots :) Heck, if Monet could paint through grief and near blindness, I can still kick a can or two myself (even with numb feet)...

Mmmmmm, Joe

2008-03-13T09:11:00.003-06:00

Well, ideally, I would go faster and have some energy, LOL. But I do my best on the first part!

Today's Most Embarrassing Moment

2008-03-13T00:26:00.006-06:00

Porky says it best, b-dee b-dee (click, hear my woes, and page back to me!)

Sure, yeah, I know that Pool is spelled with a capital "P" for a reason... still, I just couldn't... so off I scooted to try to aim for the shower room. Well, let's just say it's lucky I was well-hydrated so that the water running down me didn't look as if it shouldn't be there. Stupid, stupid, bladder!! I didn't even realize that I had to go, and then it was RIGHT NOW!

The story of my life these days... Water, Water, Everywhere...

Diving right in...

2008-03-12T16:07:00.004-06:00

... to Blogging ...
I've been standing here in my sexy purple tube and froggy flippers long enough.

WELCOME to my world.

My hero and greatest inspiration *because she can make me laugh* with wit and wisdumm... Linda over at Brain Cheese. Check her out -- even if you don't currently enjoy the pleasures of MS, she'll open your eyes to new insights (and great cartoons).

I also read Nursing Blogs, and the Best of the Best by all means is Kim at Emergiblog.
How she finds all of her beautiful, ridiculous Nurses of the past pictures as they do wonderful things to help the smiling, peaceful doctors... I'll never know.

OK, more story later. Time to actually go swimming with the kiddoes.