Thursday, April 3, 2008

Know your A,B,C,D's

Thanks to Linda at Brain Cheese, I am reminded that I will be booking my yearly mammogram when I go for my yearly check-up in a few weeks.

I can hardly wait...

Such cold, hard, squeezing, and they always like to get me to hold such strange positions to get just the right angle. I feel like an orange that has just met the semi-trailer tires.

Then to make matters worse, there is always the biopsy and draining of my "little mouse", a collection of cysts about 1-inch by 1-inch. I'll take a lumbar puncture any day over this, thank you very much. Especially after last year's over-zealous resident fought with the ultrasound technician as he poked and prodded and drained for *45 flippin minutes* while she gave him advice and heck and apologized and cried.

But seriously, I'm over it...

Now for the training run for this year's mammogram:

Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the inside of the refrigerator. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door with lots of pressure for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective. Insert the other breast and repeat the instructions.

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged comfortably under the rear tire of the car. Ask your husband, boyfriend, or whoever is up at 3:00 in the morning to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as she can. Repeat for the other breast. Set an appoinment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared for a mammogram.

SERIOUSLY ! Mammograms do NOT hurt. These exercises are just to make you smile. If it's time for your mammogram, run, don't walk to your phone to schedule an appointment. It may be the most important phone call you have ever made.

Even if it's not October... It's *always* breast awareness month! They're kind of nice -- let's all do what we can to keep them!


Frances said...

I'm feeling guilty. I know I should, but I never do go for that mammogram.

CrazyCath said...

That is so funny! I have never had a mammogram but I know those who have and I have heard all about it! It sounds pretty accurate to me.

But I would still go. It's worth it.

mdmhvonpa said...

"Even if it's not October... It's *always* breast awareness month!"

I concur!

Diane J Standiford said...

Love your sense of humor about it. It really doesn't hurt most women. It sounds worse than it is and is over in seconds. Now, in my city, I can even stay in my wheel chair!
(After many threats ADA ADA ADA)

Pa, have you had your gems checked for cancer yearly? Just a littel squeeze/it's ALWAYS gem awareness month!

Nervus Rex said...

LMAO, Diane! Way to poke at Pa!

Welcome, Pa and Frances, BTW. Thanks for commenting!

Frances and Cath, being a nurse working with end-stage cancer patients, I still have to admit that I am the best of procrastinators and would totally NOT be going for mammograms if my Dr. didn't make me! Stupid cysts. I don't always preach what I teach, though...

Shauna said...

Those exercises are excellent. I agree, breasts are kind of nice and we should look after 'em. Oh, and Pa...what Diane said.


CrazyCath said...

Shawna - until I am over 50, unless there is a family h/o breast cancer (which there thankfully is not) I am not allowed to go for a mammogram! Not on the NHS. I could go private, but it costs a lot that I don't have AND I have already paid as I have paid NI contributions (all UK citizens toward NHS and state pension and welfare) and taxes all my working life. I refuse to pay twice! Especially when I haven't got the dosh and my risk is relatively low. Now if there was a history... that's different.

Nervus Rex said...

Wow, Cath -- you make me feel pretty lucky to have good access to mammograms! We do pay into our health care system, but minimally. It means that we have to wait a bit for appointments, but at least tests don't cost an arm and a leg (and a breast!)