I can hardly wait...
Such cold, hard, squeezing, and they always like to get me to hold such strange positions to get just the right angle. I feel like an orange that has just met the semi-trailer tires.
Then to make matters worse, there is always the biopsy and draining of my "little mouse", a collection of cysts about 1-inch by 1-inch. I'll take a lumbar puncture any day over this, thank you very much. Especially after last year's over-zealous resident fought with the ultrasound technician as he poked and prodded and drained for *45 flippin minutes* while she gave him advice and heck and apologized and cried.
But seriously, I'm over it...
Now for the training run for this year's mammogram:
Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the inside of the refrigerator. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door with lots of pressure for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective. Insert the other breast and repeat the instructions.
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged comfortably under the rear tire of the car. Ask your husband, boyfriend, or whoever is up at 3:00 in the morning to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as she can. Repeat for the other breast. Set an appoinment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.
You are now properly prepared for a mammogram.
SERIOUSLY ! Mammograms do NOT hurt. These exercises are just to make you smile. If it's time for your mammogram, run, don't walk to your phone to schedule an appointment. It may be the most important phone call you have ever made.